Did I try hard enough? Am I a failure?
This morning, I woke up with the crushing weight of failure pressing down on me. It wasn’t just a fleeting thought or a bad dream. It was a full-body ache, the kind that wraps itself around your chest and doesn’t let go. Something big, something important, has fallen apart. I failed, and no matter how much I try to rationalize it, the sting is overwhelming.
I’ve always been the kind of person who strives for perfection. I build my sense of self on the quality of what I produce, the praise I earn, the results I achieve. It’s exhausting, sure, but it’s also comforting in its own way until it isn’t. And right now, it’s not. The thing I worked so hard for, the thing I thought I could hold onto, slipped through my fingers, and now I’m left here, in the wreckage, trying to make sense of it all.
Failure feels like a verdict, like the universe is telling me I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not enough. The self-doubt is deafening.
Did I try hard enough? Did I miss something? Am I just... incapable?
It’s a spiral that feels impossible to escape.
But in this bleak haze, part of me knows I can’t stay here forever. I’ve been in this place before, even though I didn’t think I’d return. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that failure isn’t always the end. Sometimes, it’s just a miserable, soul-crushing pause.
Right now, it feels impossible to see the other side of this. But I’m trying to remind myself that failure isn’t permanent. It’s a moment, a snapshot, not the whole story. Maybe there’s something I can learn from this, even though it’s hard to imagine what that could be. Maybe this breakdown is a chance to reset, to notice things I’ve been too busy to see.
I’m not there yet. Honestly, I don’t feel close to “making it through.” But I’ve made it through before, and maybe, just maybe, I can do it again. For now, I’ll let myself feel the weight of this without pretending it’s okay. Because it’s not okay. But one day, I hope it will be.
And that’s the thought I’m holding onto, even if just by a thread.
“I am afraid of everything changing”.
We often talk about the fear of failure, but what happens when what scares us isn’t falling short. It’s getting everything we’ve ever wanted? The fear of success is a strange, complex emotion that’s easy to dismiss until it’s staring you in the face.
At first, success seems like the ultimate goal: the thing we work tirelessly for, the dream we chase with all our might. But then, as we inch closer to it, fear creeps in. What happens if I succeed? What happens if everything changes?
The fear of success often hides beneath layers of self-sabotage. For some it’s missing deadlines, holding back when we know we could shine, or hesitating just when we need to leap. No me though. My over achiever perfectionist brain would allow it. i’m more of a create chaos that must be tended to now kind of person.
Will I lose the people I love if I outgrow them? What if I can’t live up to the expectations that come with this? What if the success doesn’t make me happy after all?
Success brings pressure, pressure to maintain, to exceed, to prove that the moment wasn’t just luck. It can feel like a blinding spotlight, unrelenting, exposing flaws we’d rather keep hidden. And then there’s the isolation. The fear that with success comes distance from the familiar, from the life and people we’ve always known.
But perhaps the most unsettling part is the way success forces us to confront our self-worth. If we’ve spent years believing we’re not good enough, not capable, or not deserving, success challenges that narrative. It asks us to step into an unfamiliar version of ourselves: one who is worthy, competent, and able to rise to the occasion. That’s terrifying because it means letting go of the comfort of our limitations. That’s crazy. coming from a small island like Jamaica existing and thriving in limitation is a way of life.
So, what do we do with this fear? How do we stop it from holding us back? Like everything perhaps the first step is acknowledging that the fear is real and valid. Success does bring change, and change is always unsettling. But instead of seeing success as an end-point, we can reframe it as part of a journey. One that’s filled with new challenges, yes, but also new opportunities for growth.
It helps to remember that success doesn’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to know all the answers or have everything figured out right away. We’re allowed to fumble a few bags, to adjust, to grow into the new roles success asks of us.
And maybe most importantly, we don’t have to do it alone. Success doesn’t have to isolate us if we’re intentional about staying connected to the people and values that ground us. We can redefine success on our terms, as something that doesn’t just uplift us, but also enriches our relationships, our communities, and our sense of purpose.
Being stuck between the fear of failure and the fear of success is like standing on a narrow ledge, unable to move forward or back. On one side, there’s the dread of falling short, of watching your dreams slip away. On the other, there’s the anxiety of rising too high, of facing change and expectations you’re not sure you can handle. It’s a paralyzing in-between, where every step feels fraught with risk.
But what if this place, full of prickly feelings , is to the trap it appears to be. What if it’s a pause, a moment to notice the sunset, gather the courage to leap, not knowing where you’ll land but trusting that you’ll find your footing when you do.
Maybe.
Shot by Matthias Salzburger. I am Mia(2018)
Like Mia 2024 knocked some of us down and many of us are in this moment right here asking the question, ‘Can I get back up?’ You can.
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